?

Log in

Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags To-Do List
 
 
 
 
 
 
 I am having these issues again.

Well, first, I found out one of my very good friends nearly died.  Wanted to die.  he's still in the hospital, and will be for a long time.

This is a shattering event.
This is an eye-opening event.

It shows who will be there for you in the shittiest of circumstances, even if they don't know what to say, but still offer their friendship. 
And it shows who you cannot stand to loose.

After this terrible event I am re-grounded, and caring about the things I should be caring about again.
But now I am having trouble with school again.
Tonight was my first class since I found out.
I love this class-it's abnormal psych.
I went late.
I didn't care-I sat waiting for an emptier elevator, even though it made me 15 minutes late.  I left on time to make it early to class.
After our 10 minute break, i didn't go back to class.

I went to pick up my bag and coat that I had left in the room, and the teacher had taken them to her office with her.  This was very kind-I did not expect it.  I didn't really care if my shit was stolen-I brought my wallet with me.  She was angry.  i apologized and told her I had personal stuff going on right now.  She asked if I was okay, and I said yeah, one of my friends is in the hospital.  She said she's sorry-I walked away as fast as I could.

I have always had problems with school.  Sitting through class and sticking with it.  This is the longest I've lasted at a college.  And I want to finish and get my degree so badly, but at the end of last term this was happening, and now it is happening again, but it's not even the middle of the term yet.
My Art classes are fine.

I'm motivated when it comes to Watson.  I'm motivated when it comes to running Spectrum, my literary arts mag.  I'm motivated when it comes to most things, just not school....i didn't so ANY homework ALL weekend...and the excuse that my sister was visiting is not an excuse because there were plenty of chances late at night I could have done it, but I didn't.

I'm not sure if I can blame it on this, but it seems it's been specially hard since Costa Rica...I keep thinking of it, and of traveling, and how much I DON"T want to be sitting on my ass here in classes.

I am SO LUCKY to be here, and to be having all these scholarships, and everything I have here, but I don't know why I just can't see that and can't give my all to it.
I Love learning, but
school has never been for me.

I am trying so hard.
 
 
 
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Lol, harsh but true...
I do always otherwise attend this class, it was just hard because of the friend almost dying and being in the hospital thing...especially with the subject matter
I can totally relate when I think back to most of my undergrad days. I don't remember how much of this I might have already told you, but... I took time off one semester and repeatedly thought about dropping out after I went back. I even had the same experience as far as going to Central America for a semester and feeling really motivated from that but then just wanting to travel. By the end though, when I was ready to graduate finally, I was starting to think a little about grad school already. And now I completely love being in school.

If you haven't gotten professional help in regard to your lack of motivation, I do suggest trying it. And if it seems like it doesn't help, try again, seeing a different person. For me, seeing psychiatrists and such was totally awkward and sometimes felt useless, but overall it really, really paid off.
I didn't really know that...I know you studied abroad in Central America, and you Loved it, but you always seemed like you Loved school to me...hm..

Sigh....I've been talking to therapists since I was like 12...I found one therapist I liked once, but she was so expensive..and in maine, so that doesn't help me now. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, because I don't want to take pills, and I don't want someone who will just try to throw pills at me...I'm open to talk therapy, but I haven't really found someone good here.